Did your roommate seem a little lifeless this morning? Maybe there was a strange hue to his skin that left you considering getting him out to the beach for a little rest and relaxation. Well, any concern should have been eliminated when you ask why he ate your dog last night, and he answers only with “brains”. Hmm, that’s interesting, he always lacked a little bit in the personality department but this sure seems to be a new level of boring.
At any rate, there’s a chance that you’ve woken up in the middle of a science fiction nightmare. Was it a biological warfare attack or a comet passing too closely to the earth that suddenly had the streets looking like the dance scene from “Thriller”? Either way, you need to act and act fast, so here are some facts that you’ll need to know if you plan on staying alive long enough to buy the “I Survived the Zombies, 2011” T-shirt.
(1) Don’t bother with the small talk
Zombies aren’t great conversationalists so you can forget trying to talk your way out of this one. Begging and pleading will only get you into the “statistics” column.
Check-out girl, or zombie? I wouldn't wait to find out.
(2) Remember, if they’re standard zombies, keep moving
Even the zombie of a former Olympian won’t be quick, so never underestimate your ability to bob and weave your way through the fray. Look at the bright side: if you’re the last “regular” human being left, you’ll likely become the fastest human alive which will lead to all kinds of medals and endorsement deals.
(3) Never assume that they’re defeated
This classic zombie blunder has led to many a survivor becoming a minion. When you deliver that crushing blow, why not take a moment and deliver another one just to be sure? They’re going to grab your leg and bite you when you try to walk away…count on it.
(4) Don’t trust the uniformed soldiers in bio-hazard gear
Sure, they may be there to help, but at the same time, you could be in a quarantined area. If you notice that they’re helping other survivors, wave your arms! If it seems that they’re just trying to lock the place down, find another way out.
(5) If your survivor partner is bitten, they’ll definitely turn…
Sure, you two have battled countless zombies together, but if that fateful moment occurs when he/she has been bitten, let them go. They won’t be able to overcome it. If you’re bitten, lie.
(6) Go for the head
Blows to the body will do nothing. Always strike the head. It’s the only way.
(7) Stock up on supplies
Don’t try to flirt with the check-out girl, she only wants you for your brains. Hit up the local supermarket and load up on water and non-perishables. It’s going to be a long week.
(8) Make every second count
There’s no telling when you’ll be able to get out of this one, so if there’s something you’ve always wanted to do (like steal a car), now’s the time to do it.
(9) If it’s quiet, they’re behind you
When you walk into a gas station looking for supplies, and it’s eerily quiet, turn around. It’s a guarantee that they’re standing right behind you.
(10) Zombies are people too
Don’t get all high and mighty. Remember that they are people despite the complete lack of emotion or personality. In fact, nevermind…